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be allowed to avoid it, but is that right? It
is absolutely correct to push them, because
they have to learn to cope with it. This will
build the child's coping skills, and they will
be better equipped to meet the challenges
that come later in life. If children never
learn to cope with stress and conflict, how
will they manage to handle stress and
conflict as adults?" asks Friborg.
Must recognize boundaries
But there is one clear exception to pushing
children to do things that cause stress, he
says.
"The person who is pushing must be aware
of limits. The focus should be on develo-
ping the children psychological strength,
not destroying it. You have to know where
the boundary is. Parents must establish an
environment where
their children can learn to master the
situation – and this is very important.
Children are supposed to be reinforced in
their efforts to grow! This is best achieved
by showing that you understand the child's
feelings and by providing concrete and
supportive advice," he says.
Friborg says that individuals who can
handle stress are healthier, from a subjec-
tive standpoint, and have a more optimistic
outlook on life.
"Being able to cope with stress liberates
many positive emotions. The desire to
learn increases. People who can cope with
stress find it easier to forget negative and
painful things, and they find it easier going
through life.
"Those who can cope with stress in every-
day life have less aches and pains. Stressed
people focus more attention on everything
that is wrong, and that is of course quite
natural. If your body senses a danger, the
brain has developed to want to identify
that danger. We are evolved to pay more
attention to the negative, and then people
get into a negative spiral."
Sick from stress
Friborg adds that those who cannot handle
stress tend to eat more unhealthily. They
tend to have an unhealthier lifestyle -- they
eat fattier food, they drink more or they
exercise less. In this way, stress tends to
lead indirectly to worse health, both physi-
cally and mentally.
Not being able to handle stress can actually
cause illness.
"Those who cannot handle stress, and who
cannot deal with the tasks they have can
feel quite helpless. Stress hormones increa-
se, and this can make us sick. Blood pres-
sure rises, and over time the individual can
develop diabetes and muscles can weaken.
The response to stress can also affect lear-
ning, inhibit growth, weaken the immune
system and result in slower recovery from
diseases or infections," Friborg says.
Resistance
Friborg says there are factors that help
make us resistant to stress.
"One must develop personal skills and
resources that provide a sense of control
and purpose. Social skills are also impor-
tant. People who feel more proficient in
social situations cope with stress better,
probably because they find it easier to talk
to others about their problems. If you have
social skills, you are more prepared to
handle your stress," the psychologist says.
Family support is one other factor that is
protective.
"Family unity is important. If a family
has lots of conflicts and is not united, this
contributes to an individual handing stress
poorly. Other types of social resources will
be extra important in this situation, such as
friends or members of an extended family.
One should cultivate good friendships. You
don't have to have many friends, but it is
important to have some friends who you
can lean on during life crises," says
Friborg.
University of Tromsø –
Labyrint E/11
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31
Timid children should be forced by
their parents to overcome shyness.
Photo: Colourbox.com